all and everything

I have decided to accept what comes my way and honor what comes to me as a way of trusting that what comes is a result of all the hard work I have done. I did in fact get my graduate degree.. a very big deal ..
I returned home and my cat is alive. I am combing out tons of hair...He only threw up about four times and there was a lot of stuff in the box.. which is good because:
A:that means the cat alimentary canal is healthy and the more in the box the less surprises elsewhere..
B: there was a sea of clumped clay, !! so yes; the corollary.. less in unexpected places/ Yes. oh yes very. very nice..

My art dealer called and said there is a big deal on the table.. oh yeah.. we all dream of this.. something to pay off all the loans at once.. I used to make a lot of money.. ha ha..

I learned something very important while at Goddard.. totally appreciate what is working in your life and practice.. delight in the folks who show up ..remember that stuff comes up to get in the way of good intentions. Also. give your graduation presentation in the dark and then you can imagine everyone you love is there...
There is not enough time to convince any one that you have value.. there is barely enough time to thank the folks who are truly there for you..

turning away

Sinking

Free fall into space
a drop from place to no place
The mind gasps to retrieve some fixed point
the sound of my mind wakes me and stops
the pull of the abyss
A void of silence and no sense
the panic of nothing

I have had this dream before. I think when my body gives up all its strength in one big step there is no time for the mind to make up a story. I fall into the place that is the gap between feeling and sense, a synaptic delay between mind and body. This science comforts me and I am asleep again.

This morning, I shared Que es La Vida with the young girl from Puerto Rico. She knew it well and we remembered it together in bits of Spanish. It is a bond of voices that have been silenced into dreams of something else.

I wonder about my decision to re-enter a classroom, the incumbent mess of materials, the charge of the chaos in the creative process. I see the solitary journey of the studio artist and the private act of creativity to be somewhat at odds with the party style jumble of art education.
As a young child, I was unable to make art in the classroom. It was too scary and noisy. I did not like the attention of others in my place of making and journey. I did not make images to please anyone. I made images to create another place, different from myself. The recognition by others seemed to alter or diminish my voice as if it were somehow run over by the voices of teachers and other students.

I was proofing my thesis in the car, listening to Hardy, when Susan pulled up. I was crying as I read about the creation of In Situ, an installation piece that is the archaeological remains of my journey for identity in place. I wonder if boiled adder fat can draw the poison out?

I must finish my thesis and get that printed and put it away. It changes every time I read it. I think the beauty of handing it over to a proof reader is that they are only looking for errors. I am looking for clarity. That is different. It must come to a point of rest in this time and place.

Driving

Up along 91 in Vermont there is a hypnotic roll of green and sky. Listening to The Return of the Native, I lose my own time place as Alan Rickman spins the tale of the reddleman and his love. I find that I am way past my exit. The struggling of my car engine reminded me that this is no time for a roundabout and I turn around. I turn around. I turn and turn and there, again, my path lies before me. It is the only constant.

My journey to Goddard and my return to Goddard is not the straight and practical thing others want it to be, but I am content that it is my path. This place of learning was first brought to my attention by Leland and it has been in my path ever since.

I sneak in to the dining hall and sit way off. I resolve to enter this journey in silence, allow what comes to come and accept the gifts that are presented.

My first visitor is Sue and Eileen. I have been listening to my Spanish tapes and I hope that there will some opportunities to test my conversational skills, which are my weakest. Always there is this convergence at Goddard. I can't quite make it out, but I have long since stopped questioning what comes my way. I blurt out a bunch of stuff, spattering mental mud, and Sue is quick to see that I am waivering in my intent to enter the classroom. I feel like I have already flunked the practical application of the call to teach. It would be more accurate to say that I have been dragged to teach. She is someone who instills gentle confidence and trust. She is steady in her mind and offers a possibility. The Counseling program. It makes sense. It will serve my work with the Mandalas and Identity studies. I can still get my Spanish language skills into order.It won't conflict from the PGCC residency program.. and it is before me twice now. The guidance program would deepen and guide my teaching practice. It would also help me ground the work with physically and emotionally displaced students..... It may put some teeth in my work and weed out the airy fairy stuff.

It is something to think about and live with..... I woke up last night and thought this can not be ignored. I thought about how interesting the mandala work was. I had great responses from the non art students. I wondered how much more important this work could be if I had a better foundation, less intuition.